Everyone has told me that I need to keep a journal, something that I can write all my thoughts down into one place. Keep it with me so in the event of a stressful situation I can write it down, help me process. For years I tried this on and off. I had 3 diary’s growing up but my older brother & younger sister kept finding them and reading them. So although I love the idea I just struggle with it, and not just because I’m worried of someone finding it, more myself actually. I don’t know if it’s actually complicated but I get this feeling all the time like I want to write, wether it be short stories or feelings or anything really but I would get to the beginning, or even half way through and suddenly find it very difficult to continue, and that’s not because I can’t think of anything to say. More the commitment, the energy and the confidence.
So on a whim I’m sat here typing it all out on a blog I created years before honestly not knowing where it’s going or if I’m making it public or just for me, or even if this is just a one off post. Oh before I forget again, I’m really bad with grammar and punctuation so if you notice it at all please bare with me. So what do I want to talk about today? I’m literally playing songs on shuffle from my Spotify playlist and normally I can find the right one, or be in the mood for something but today nothing much is working. That being said I can’t stand the silence. I hate silence. This is frustrating I can feel my mood slipping and I can’t stop it. Am I stupid? One thing I’m really noticing at the moment is my lack of trust in everyone and everything. I don’t like it but is it because of what’s happend I hate myself that much or I’m that vain that I feel like people are whether I know them or not talk negatively about me and it’s getting to the point where I feel like I’m drowning, I’m overwhelmed. I’m stumped.
I mentally noted something that happens the other night I feel would be relevant here and that is I met up with a friend and we walked about town and I ended up sitting in a park, talking about everything till it got really dark, and at this moment I’m not sure whether I want to go into the detail of the what’s happend to me or just simply keep it to myself but we were talking about a certain subject and I told her how I feel like I don’t know myself, or what I like and dislike. The certain thing took such vital years growing up and messed them all up. As a result i’ve been feeling really lonely, and I’m not quite sure how to bring myself back. I’ve always been told that the way I write is good because you (the reader) can feel what I’m trying to get across. I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but I loved that comment. So for the next couple of paragraphs I’m going to try to let you see the inner workings of my mind.
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Imagine you are in a endless room, no matter how far your walking all you see are white walls, no decorations no nothing. Suddenly right from the very far corner in your eye you see the slightest hint of a different colour, what it is you don’t know yet you just know it’s different. Your being, your very instinct tells you, that’s you. That’s who you need to be. That will give you the answers deep down you didn’t even know you needed. All you need to do is just simply walk towards it. The more you crawl, walk or run towards it the further it is away from you. The moment you doubt it the smaller it gets and the more frustrated you feel, the more it dies. So there you are just stood there admiring.
As you can’t take your focous away from it, your day to day life, responsibilities, pressures wrap themselves around you like a storm cloud. It’s raining so heavy and the waters rising but your legs they feel like cement. You can’t move them, arms desperately gripping them and trying to pull them up yet nothings happening. The water is equal to your ankles now, and although it doesn’t seem like much your freaking out. You get this idea in your head if you untie your laces and get your feet out of your shoes you would be able to move. You look down but you don’t have shoes on. Every reasonable solution you find in your head rapidly deteriorates and fall from your grip. You are now exhausted and your eyes are closing. It would be so easy to let go, and just sleep. It’s heavenly, it’s peace, it’s not what you thought you would every do or even feel like you need but it just takes that everything away,
Within that moment as if they are being projected onto the wall that slowley but surely is closing in on you, your family members, your boyfriend or girlfriend anyone close to you, in your life appear on the wall like a silent movie, moments from your past are replayed over and over with the same words at the bottom, written in bold and hard to miss.
Please don’t give up, don’t go.
It’s as though you’ve woken up and again your trying to move your legs with everything you have but the rain is heavier and the water is now up to your calf, suddenly loud banging and crashing is all you can hear, you wince and look up and see thunder and lightening. Not too close to you but enough to leave you unsettled. The more effort you put in to moving or trying to escape, the rain falls harder, the images of loved ones begin to play over and over but this time you can’t make out their faces you just hear voices, the thunder and lightning continue to happen but around you. Your eyes they are desperate to close, your body, your limbs are weak. You just want to fall asleep. The water begins to get violent and the walls continue to move slowly closer towards you but In the distance you see yourself but when you were little. Just watching you not moving.
The feeling of grief is now setting in, and you feel utterly hopeless. You feel ashamed of yourself. Nothings helping, just this void starts to open, and as though someone steps out and reaches for your hand, you take it but you still can’t move. The person that tries to help you starts to resent you and leaves, the same pattern repeating over and over and over again.
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That’s what I feel like my head is like. Yet the way I’m feeling always for me is just too complicated to explain and to except people who don’t go through the same things you have to understand is worse. Day in and day out I’m trying with every single fibre of my being to not be this way and to not let what has happend to define me but it’s like asking someone who has broken their leg to stand up and walk, someone who is blind to see, someone who is deaf to hear perfectly. I can already hear your saying but it will take time, you can’t climb Mount Everest in a day, I’ve come to realise is that all time will do is make it slightly more bearable if anything. I feel broken and I want to be fixed. I don’t know what I want to do, how I want to be or even what I need, I’m just trying to take it day by day working it out as I go.
I would like to love myself, to lose the weight I wear as a comfort blanket and be able to grow confidence but I feel like it’s beyond my grip. Who knows what’s going to happen? All I know is I’m tired and I want it to stop.
Don’t be shy, message me with any thoughts / feelings you may have.
Until next time I guess.
Jen.
